Twilight's Got Talent
by Musings of a Shaken Mind
Summary: Ant and Dec, sharing some kind of private joke that no-one else could possibly understand, turned back to the cameras. “Welcome, folks, to the live final of TWILIGHT’S GOT TALENT!” Co-written by Musings of a Shaken Mind and La Vie Boheme101
1. Introduction

**Becky: Alright, so we were mucking around, watching Britain's got Talent. At some point, the lovely Emma (La Vie Boheme101) jokingly suggested that we do a spin-off of Britain's got Talent, but set in the Twilight universe. I actually thought that this plan was utter genius, and before we knew it, we were on my computer and researching possible acts and songs. **

**This is set after Breaking Dawn, so Bella is a vampire, but Renesmee doesn't exist because I don't like her, and I'm on the keyboard. So hah. Enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: We don't own Twilight, Britain's Got Talent or Ant and Dec (damn...). Or any of the judges, for that matter. We are poor. We are easily amused. We watch Britatin's Got Talent. What can I say?**

* * *

The voice-over resounds through the packed studio as the audience go wild.

"**Live, from Forks—this is the season finale of TWILIGHT'S got Talent. Here are your hosts… ANT AND DEC!"**

The Geordie boys came, grinning, down the illuminated staircases on either side of the stage, microphones in hand. They stood next to one another onstage, and loudly introduced the judges. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls… I give you… The Judges!"

The back of the stage opened mechanically, revealing the three silhouettes of the judges in rather compromising positions behind the stage. Suddenly, they seemed to realise that they were, in fact, on live television…and quickly righted themselves, smiling and laughing, trying to brush over their interruption.

Swiftly, they stepped forward, and hastily made their way behind their desk, and into their respective chairs. The large red buzzers looked rather ominous in front of them, just begging to be pressed, sending another prospective talent into misery.

Ant and Dec, sharing some kind of private joke that no-one else could possibly understand, turned back to the cameras. "Welcome, folks, to the live final of TWILIGHT'S GOT TALENT!" At this, the crowd was sent into wild cheers. "All eight of our fantastic acts are waiting nervously backstage… and this is where you come into the picture! Yes, this is the final, so the winner will ultimately be the public's decision. After all eight acts have performed, the votes will open. Even though this is the final, the Judges will still have the power to buzz our acts, and possibly send them offstage… but let's hope that doesn't happen tonight! The votes will not be counted until after all eight acts have performed… so you can vote if you like, but it won't mean anything, and you may still be charged."

"Now, the first spectacular act that we have for you tonight is…"


	2. Vamps in Tights

**Emma: Emma [La Vie Boheme101] here! As you now know, Becky and I are writing Twilight's Got Talent. This chapter, was wrote by Becky, so I am not taking any of the credit. This story will hopefully be fun to write. I remember the fun we had trying to choose who was in the final, what song they would perform to, and what they were performing.  
I can't remember how this idea came to me [ yes i take credit for the men in tights idea =P ] but hopefully you will enjoy it. **

**Becky: **_So... after hours of cross-examining this video on YT with what we knew of the Volturi, this was produced. I know, right? I wouldn't want to live in our minds, either. Lmao! Please, enjoy the insanity..._

**Twilight's Got Talent  
La Vie Boheme101 **and **Musings of a Shaken Mind **

* * *

"Now, the first spectacular act that we have for you tonight is… The Volturi!"

Ant and Dec made themselves scarce, as the opening bars to a very familiar tune began to play, and the Volturi materialised from the smoke that now covered the stage, their dark cloaks covering whatever they were wearing underneath. Suddenly, the cloaks were unceremoniously discarded, leaving the male members of the Volturi wearing old-fashioned white shirts, pointed hats, bad leather waistcoats and… revealingly tight green pantyhose.

The background music struck a cue chord, and Aro began to sing in an impressive tenor, soon joined by his brothers. Caius sang bass, and Marcus sang an odd soprano.

"_We're men; we're men in tights,"_

They were joined swiftly onstage by several backing dancers, who also happened to be Volturi Guards. They were clad similarly, and some of them looked extremely uncomfortable, but proceeded to dance anyway.

_"We roam around the forest, looking for fights."_

Eagerly, Aro, Caius, Marcus and the rest of the Volturi guard started doing some very ambitious actions. Aro was particularly outstanding, especially when his fist went slightly astray and nearly knocked out Demitri, who looked mildly offended.

_"We're men, we're men in tights.  
__We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!"_

Felix, among the dancers, looked slightly put-out for a second. That wasn't how it was supposed to work! They were respected Vampires, and most certainly did not give to the poor. But, he supposed, this was for the sake of entertainment…

_"We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!"_

Another resounding blow nearly knocked Caius, on Aro's other side, to the ground, and he clutched his jaw for a moment before continuing, shooting proverbial daggers at Aro.

_"We're men; we're men in tights,  
__Always on guard defending the people's rights!"_

Snapping the waistbands of their pantyhose and grinning widely, the men onstage further shocked the audience by launching into a bizarre parody of the can-can, la-la-la-ing at the top of their immortal lungs.

The buzz could be clearly heard in the audience, even over the obnoxiously loud music, and Simon Cowell's X flashed red above the stage. The spectators seemed to be lost for words, and the audience was completely silent, staring at the Volturi's bizarre performance. The dancers assembled themselves into a line, and suddenly the ones in the middle did a fancy twirl and flipped over, complete with jazz hands.

_"We're men, (MANLY men) we're men in tights. (Yess!)"_

On the word, 'yess', the rulers of the Vampire world all made a rather camp gesture, each flicking a wrist out, and throwing a wink at the judges. They dropped to their knees, and flexed their pale stone muscles, clearly trying to look 'butch'.

_"We roam around the forest looking for fights.  
__We're men, we're men in tights.  
__We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!"_

_"We may look like pansies"—_Together, they ruffled the bottoms of their waistcoats, in an odd sort of curtsey, and suddenly they looked exactly like pansies—"_but don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your lights!"_

The song was drawing to the climax, audience gawking, jaws dropping, at the act. Something about this odd group, with their red eyes and pale skin, had captivated the studio audience.

_"We're men, we're men in tights (TIGHT tights),"_

As one, they grasped their waistbands and pinged them back, making a very satisfying thwacking noise against their rock-hard skin.

_"Always on guard defending the people's rights.  
__When you're in a fix just call for the men in tights!  
__We're butch."_

They finished the act in various positions, flexing muscles and generally trying to make up for their forever trashed reputation. The studio was completely silent. There were no cheers—and, admittedly, no boos either. Ant and Dec, to one side, looked to be in a similar predicament, their jaws dropped at the sheer insanity of it all.

They seemed to recover themselves quickly, and hurried onstage to join the panting Volturi.

"Well, that was… quite something…" Ant seemed lost for words.

Dec tried to cover for him. "Only on Twilight's got Talent, eh? How was that, guys?"

Aro was grinning widely from ear to ear, his faintly menacing teeth glistening under the stage lights. "I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed that!"

The two presenters turned then to the judges, all of whom still looked a little gobsmacked. "Simon, you buzzed. Can you justify that for us, please?"

"Well, yes. It was absolutely ridiculous. I cannot possibly see Stephenie Meyer enjoying that, no way. Can we clarify? You do know that this is a talent show, don't you? I want talent. Not tights."

Piers was next, his comments taking a similar tone. "You know what, guys? I liked you in your audition, I really did. But I'm just not convinced that you have what it takes, and I can't see this act going any further than tonight."

But Amanda had begun to shake her head almost as soon as her fellow judges had started speaking. "No. You know what? I completely disagree. I thoroughly enjoyed that. If Stephenie Meyer doesn't want to see her own evil characters prancing comically around the stage in green tights, then what does she want to see? We're looking for entertainment, and you have very much entertained me. If people don't vote for you, they have no sense of humour."

Ant grinned at the Volturi, who had accepted the comments fairly graciously (there had only been minimal snarling at Simon). With a final wave at the audience, who had recovered sufficiently to cheer half-heartedly, they left the stage.

The human presenters turned to face the cameras and Dec, cheesy grin in place, spoke to the viewers. "Well, what a way to kick off the show! If you think that the Volturi are what Stephenie Meyer would like to see, and then drop a review to tell us your thoughts! Please do not vote until all eight acts have performed, as the votes will be read and giggled over, but not counted. Now… next up tonight, we have…"


End file.
